Sunday, 22 March 2015

FML Revelations

Some days i really hate my life. Brooklyn has screaming tantrums constantly some days. She refuses to grow up. Simon barely even tries to be a good family member. The dogs need constant care and costs above normal. Willow barely sleeps these days.

I have no idea what im doing with my life. It all just feels like a waste. Im so tired of feeling like a loser all the time, going through one hardship after another and waiting for the day to come when it will all have been worth it. My life so far has been nothing like i had hoped. I cant lose weight. I feel so ugly. Nothing i do is ever good enough. I often feel depressed. My ocd almost rules my life. Im riddled with health problems at only 33.

I just feel like leaving everything and everyone behind and living in the bush alone in peace, where i can look the way i look, not have to deal with a difficult family, no expectations, no judgement, no one to compare to, no temptations, no fake stuff, no $ woes, etc. Its so hard to be grateful as a perfectionist. I dont care if others are happier with less or worse off. This is my life that i have to deal with.

We never have any $. Im sick of responsibilities and i feel trapped and stuck. I just want to give up. I see others great lives and i hate them. I don't understand how my life has always been this shit, no matter how hard i try.

Im sick of feeling guilty for having cursing fits at brooklyn but sometimes i just crack. Ive tried everything but i just dont know what to do anymore. I have no energy or enthusiasm left for anything much. Nothing much interests me. No one seems to be able to help me. Im tired of trying and positivity. So i just keep overthinking, planning and going through the motions, while saying under my breath, "fuck my life!"

It doesnt seem right that some people have looks and talent and love etc. I guess its kind of like what kids in iraq could be thinking if they saw my life compared to theirs. To them, my life would probably seem pretty good. I guess its all relative. I suppose that if we are all just spirit experiencing itself in multiple forms, then it would be pretty pointless for everyone to have perfect lives. I think alot of my unhappiness comes from feeling i don't measure up. But if i think about my life as an experiment of spirit, just as an iraq childs life is and just like a supermodels life is, then its not so bad.

Maybe my life was different the last time i was here and i wanted a challenge this time, to help me grow more. I guess thats what they mean when they say that we are all perfect how we are etc. I think animals are the perfect example of spirit when i think of their attitude to life. Animals dont really compare themselves so they dont feel unworthy. Theyre just out there living and loving life fully. Maybe thats why we love them because they represent the epitome of enlightenment just like babies.

Its almost like we are born enlightened and then we have to learn to remember again. Wow! Maybe all those little poems like, 'advice from a tree,' are actually hidden wisdom. It can still be hard to live in the real world where everything is a competition but at least i can gain some peace of mind by remembering where i came from and why i wanted to try out being this particular human.

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