Wednesday, 22 April 2015

Hitting a New Low

We are always pretty broke and often have to borrow from family. We usually never get to pay them back. Hence why i want to run away to the bush and live simply. Tonight i had to ask dad for my rego $ and he said yes without a moments hesitation.

Dad told me to drop the rego form to him at GS engineering. I asked why he was working there and he said he needed the $ to live off. He then told me he had had to stop having beer and had to start borrowing $ from my lil brother each week lately.

Dad has savings from mums death payout but he also has no super so he has the savings in an interest account. He can't withdraw for like 3 months after each time and it wrecks the interest rate too. I felt ashamed when i found out that i was borrowing from someone who was having to borrow $ themselves.

Last night i only got 3 hrs sleep due to reading stuff on my phone, our cars have no insurance because simon hasn't been able to afford them. I try not to waste $ mostly but i still try to give my 4 girls, what they need and want.

I couldnt even do my birthday properly because i couldnt save up. I stopped taking my pill and zoloft about a month ago too. I wanted to see how my body healed without them causing things like depression, weight, candida, etc.

So far, ive been a lil more moody than usual but nothing major. I want to learn to control my emotions myself or at least use something natural instead. Im rambling about all this stuff together because these are the main things swirling around my head and life right now.

The worst part is ive started being more intolerant, towards Brooklyn. Simon and i have always fought and Willow continues to be a happy carefree baby. But poor Brooklyn is at the age where she needs me and she feels it more.

I also told simon my plans about bush living etc and he said he will think about what he wants and get back to me. We never talk usually, just argue. After tonight, i told him we are not asking dad for $ ever again.

I find it alot easier to be happy and loving when i let go and decide to trust the universe to bring me my perfect life instead of constantly planning and worrying and struggling. 2 horses will cost $250/wk to keep, which is impossible for us right now. I just feel all my researching about food and rentals and horses, etc is a waste.

Trying to figure stuff out logically is so hard, which is why life is so hard for so many of us. Alot of it never works out and is a waste of time and energy etc. so thats why i decided to let it all go like i wrote about before. However, the list maker, planner, control freak etc in me, keeps sucking me back in.

My girls all need me to be a great mummy more than anything right now. I need to be happy so good things can flow to me instead of trying to drag them to me. I just need to focus on daily life, being happy and loving, letting go, trusting, meditating, being the best mummy, wife and human i can, be grateful for what i already have and wait for even better to come, etc. all that kind of stuff.

Apparently thats how we were all meant to live, like in the land of LOA post i wrote. But once we become born or toddlers, most of us forget. We are all human angels or souls who are just playing a human for a while. Our goal here is to remember, remind, inspire, heal, etc by being love, which is what we all truly are.

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