Today i feel like im getting the flu, probably due to barely getting any sleep for the past 3 nights. I mostly dislike being a mother and always have, thanks to brooklyns behaviour. She has gotten better in some ways but worse in others. Shes out of control. She screams, bites, swears, hits, refuses to do most things we ask, etc etc. its drained most of the small amount of life out of me, that was left. Now having a new child that barely and unreliably sleeps, means i basically only get sleep during the day on weekends. Even that, is a small rushed amount.
Ive used the dryer everyday this week because i cant even be bothered to hang the washing out. I cant wait for brooklyn to go to school and im always saying mean things to her, which is not in my nature. I just feel like a failure at life all round. It takes me a while to respond to their whinging now, because its all i hear these days. I know having kids is meant to be the biggest spiritual growth exercise you will ever have but its just making me a worse person so far. Im finally having my thyroid tested either this week or next, so hopefully that will help.
I hate not having mum around because no one else helps like she wouldve. Most people dont even offer to watch the kids while i sleep for an hour. I mostly dislike my life and ive tried everything to improve things but nothing works. I wish i could stop caring and just give up. Be happy with the way things are or at least resigned to it all. I love my family but even having the dogs is becoming an extra strain. I hate feeling like this but its hard to be positive for 4 plus years of constant sleep loss, battles, coming last, frustration, being fat, etc etc.
I dont have the energy or motivation to do anything anymore. Everyone always wants something from me but i get nothing for me. I feel like my life is a waste apart from looking after the kids, which isnt very rewarding. Im just going through the motions each day, trying to survive. Ive tried to be the strong, calm one for so long but its really taken a toll on me. Most days i just feel like screaming at the top of my lungs. Brooklyn isnt your normal almost 4 year old. Shes super clingy, extra demanding and throws tantrums that make her look like she should be institutionalised, literally.
Last night even i questioned her sanity. Remember that ive worked with kids and seen it all. Even when shes been at kindy all day, 5 minutes after i pick her up, shes already infuriated me with her greediness or something. Ive read to her, taken her to playgroups, seen a counsellor, had playdates, etc. Ive tried everything to nurture and help her. Simons attitude towards her is even worse than mine. It was half bearable but then when willow came along, it added a whole lot of new shit into the mix. Its mostly the lack of sleep, her picking on willow and the extra workload.
Surely it cant be normal to hate motherhood this much. Im just trying to but barely surviving each day and hoping it will get better once shes at school. It sux to feel like you dont like your kid most of the time. I know why she was given to me, although im sure a better candidate could have been found. Im doing a piss poor job of parenting her. She was given to me because, as it is with my relationships, i will never abandon her. Although ive felt like driving away from my pathetic life forever, i can never do it because of the 4 kids. Alot of people probably wouldve by now.
Things got much worse right up until lunchtime when the screaming and swearing gave way to me bawling and simon coming home to check on us. Anyway thats my whinge for today. Hope you enjoyed my dose of negativity to brighten your day. Sometimes youve just gotta let it all out and stop pretending everythings ok. Im off to another day of parenting drudgery and fake smiling. Maybe once Brooklyn and i start horse riding lessons soon, it might help a bit somehow.